The Tapering Turtle

If you have an eating disorder, you should find a good friend that is doing something positive. It might be thinspiring.

Yes – we all know it is terrible for you – that you shouldn’t eat fast food - but it tastes so damn good, once in a while you say – “Fuck It!”.

A Google search for how to make McDonald’s at home reveals that I’m not alone on this quest. Let’s get down to business and get these recipe’s out.

The economy took a shit on me. Turns out it is cheaper to eat fast food every night than to make your own good food. The toilet may not be thanking me, but my tastebuds do. ( Actually, I’m getting a little sick of it and crave decent food more often than not )

There are two ways to replicate McDonald’s at home. I only know how to do burgers; and only certain ones – but they will be the real deal. You’ll be lovin’ it! I have narrowed it down to the One Day Recipe, and the Disaster Scenario Recipe.

One Day Recipe Ingredients

• Transportation
• Money
• Refrigerator

Preparation – Drive to the nearest McDonald’s and order 10 Double Cheeseburgers from the .99 menu. Take them home and allow them to cool on the counter. Once cooled, put them in the refrigerator. ( Cooling at room temperature prevents condensation. ) When ready to eat, microwave a cheeseburger for 30-45 seconds, with the wrapping on.

I have gone as long as three days before I will throw out any leftovers. I believe it may be possible to go longer.

* The same process works well for Chicken McNuggets. Fries do not work well at all. Any burger that does not contain lettuce, tomato, or mayonnaise will be perfect.

Disaster Scenario Recipe Ingredients

• Transportation
• Money
• Refrigerator
• Freezer

Preparation – Follow the exact same steps for the One Day Recipe, taking special care to make certain there is no condensation. As soon as the burgers have cooled to refrigerator temperature, transfer them to the freezer. In the freezer, your wondrous gluttony reserves should last several months.

When ready to eat, remove from packaging, wrap in a paper towel, and microwave for 1-2 minutes or until hot. The same rules apply for lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise – don’t do it! Of course, McNuggets will work fine too.

Feel free to experiment with other menu items and comment on what works. Replicating the exact ingredients, seasoning, and cooking processes used by McDonalds has been tried before. It always ends in something good – but a failure if identical authenticity is the goal.

This procedure will yield a burger that even the finest of fast food connoisseurs would be unable to differentiate from a fresh in store burger. Is this cheating? Yes. Do I care? No.

If you are going to make burger at home, get out the grill, get the highest fat content ground beef you can find, add salt and pepper, and grill to medium rare. Add condiments to taste. Dimple your patties on both sides in the center to create a flat burger when it expands from grilling. This burger will be delicious and juicy – it won’t be McDonald’s.

A home cooked burger will be better than McDonald’s in some regards, but not as good in others. That is what these recipe’s are for – when you want to fuck off a little. Trust me – when you come home at 4AM, drunk, and stumble on these little fuckers just sitting in your freezer, remember to come back and thank me.

paste.org is a great service for taking snips of code, saving them, and giving you back a relatively short url to share with friends. I use it all the time.

I also use LaunchBar.

Add Pastie and LaunchBar together, sprinkle in a little Growl, and you have a super fast way to convert your current clipboard into a url that leads to a copy of your clipboard.

For example, say you have this scrappy chunk of php…

 <?php

      $to = 'example@example.com';
      $from_header = "From: $from";

      if ($contents != "") {
         mail($to, $subject, $contents, $from_header);
      } else {
           echo 'You need to enter in some content!';
      }
 ?>

…that a friend needs. You know he will fuck it up if you paste it into an email, attaching it to email is a pain in the ass; he would still fuck it up, and IM is screwing up the formatting, giving your friend an excuse for always screwing things up.

Here is what I do:

1. Copy the code
2. Press command-space to invoke LaunchBar
3. Hit the keys ‘lp’ for LaunchBar to Pastie
4. Confirm a quick “Are you sure?”
5. Press return
6. Watch the growl notification

Done. My clipboard now contains this url: http://pastie.org/2693874. I can share that with anyone.

As a safety net, I show the first 10 lines of the clipboard, hopefully acting as a visual reminder of what you are sharing publicly.

Download LaunchBar to Pastie here.

The code is an interesting mix of AppleScript and some shell scripting.

Installation:

1. Unzip the file
2. Move the file Send Clipboard to Pastie.scpt to the /Users/your_username/Library/Application Support/LaunchBar/Actions folder
3. Update your LaunchBar index

A log of all pastie url’s is saved to /Users/your_username/Library/Logs/LaunchBar2Pastie.log in a tab separated format with date/time stamp.

It may take a few hits to LaunchBar for training, since you use LaunchBar, I will assume you aren’t stupid like my friend.

I can ask 100 people, they all say the same. Every single person wipes their ass while sitting down. Lean a cheek, reach in, and wipe. Yes, there are you freaks who go between the legs, but let’s leave you guys to your shit covered wieners for a moment.

Exaplin this to me…

What I don’t get, according to poopreport.com, it’s a near 50/50 split. Seriously, where are you vertical wipers hiding? How does it work?